Have you ever said these words?
Have you ever said these words to God?
I certainly have! And, I really want to say these exact words right here in this very moment. Today, October 30, 2020, we witnessed yet another parole hearing for the murder of my fiancé (my children’s father) Eric, and another man. We had two weeks to complete Victim Impact Statements for the defender. This, mind you, is our second statement for the same woman. She lured her ex-boyfriend over to where the murder took place and both men lost theirs lives.
My children’s father was at the wrong place at the wrong time. We still don’t have all of the facts and answers surrounding the murders, but we do know it was an act of selfishness and deceit. I honestly don’t think Eric would have survived another day on this earth, let alone in his earthly body. I know deep down in Eric’s heart and soul he just wanted his addictions to be gone; this way he could serve God and raise our children together.
Eric was not ok with the addictions of alcohol and drugs that he had faced since his childhood. He struggled all of his life to be rid of them. He never had the chance to fully do all God had set out for him to do. Eric hurt every time he disappointed his family, as well as when he was hurting me and or children.
He longed for forgiveness and peace, to hold his children and watch them grow up in the Lord. He loved to sing, write his own music, and act silly, especially when he was with his children! I remember a time when he told me that he had written his first rap song for the guys at one of the half way houses he was released to after spending some time in prison. I remember chuckling and being in awe when he read me his lyrics!
These memories bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes, yet still as I reminisce with thoughts of him. These thoughts do not just bring feelings of sadness that I still seem to feel today, but thoughts of great joy and comfort. A joy and a comfort knowing that Eric’s death wasn’t in vain.
If anything, his life and death have played a significant part in my life and in our children’s lives. Both have been the center of God’s love and strength we desperately needed and still need to this day. It has been the means of continuing to raise our children up in the Lord. God’s great faithfulness and provisions have fallen upon us every single day since I can remember. I have learned that God never fails and He is faithful to keep His promises; no matter how long the waiting is.
Although there has been many times where I couldn’t see God’s hands upon our lives, He has gotten us through. Today, there are times I still struggle in seeing God’s plans and His promises for my own life. But I believe He is not idle and that He is working all things together for us who love Him and only according to His great purpose.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NKJV
That’s the key here… It’s not according to our doing or for our great purpose! It all boils down to the God of Heaven and earth and His will for our lives. God is not here to hurt or harm or condemn us. But rather to heal and restore us! He desires for us to know His heart and His great and unconditional love for us. A love only a never changing, never failing, and all sufficient God can supply. No man, woman, or material thing can or ever do this for us.
Oh sweet one, I am praying for you and I hope that you are praying for me too. I know the aches of a broken heart and spirit. I know the pain of wanting to know the many answers to the “Why’s”, “Buts”, and the “What if’s”. The only way we can truly rest in these questions is if we cling to Jesus. He knows all and controls all! There is nothing we face that God hasn’t already placed His hands upon.
I won’t promise that He will answer all of your questions exactly how you want Him to. But, I do know in the midst of the confusion and the doubts He will be there to lift up your beautiful tear stained face, and meet you where you are. He will love you and comfort you beyond all measure, and give you a peace that will surpass all understanding! There are so many things God doesn’t call us to know; because we could never begin to wrap our minds around them. Believe this, I know it all too well!
I still wonder why Eric had to leave us when and how he did. It is something that I am still wrestling with at times, even now as I write these words to you. But, that is something God only knows and will bring it all to light when I see Him face to face. Until then I must remain faithful and have complete and unwavering trust in Him. This I am struggling with and asking God for help; but it does grow stronger the more I grow closer to Him.
If anything I pray this will give you a hope and a comfort as you walk the many paths of life! If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus or you do and are struggling, please feel free to reach out to me. I am here to help, guide, and pray for you the best I can and of course how God allows and leads me to.
And remember you are truly Treasured Beyond Compare! God is fighting for you and so am I!
Much love to you and yours and may God bless you richly!
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.”
Psalms 139:14-18 NKJV